From: Sarah Albertini-Bond (serendipity77_at_gmail.com)
Date: Wed Jan 09 2008 - 21:18:08 PST
"Empty Vessel" =/\= From the journal of Xana Bonviva I spent a good chunk of my teens and twenties longing to be loved. I had an obsessive, one could call it pathological at times, need to be loved. It wasn't enough that I had friends, I had to have them close to me. And I had to have lovers, poor men that I would harangue, and torment in my own way until they eventually regained their sanity and left. And then I met a man who was more patient than I probably deserved. He was definitely more patient with me than I was with him. He was a good man, in every sense of that phrase. He waited for me, tried to understand me, and in his own way encouraged me to be a better person. What else could I do but love him? Now he's dead. And I can't go back to being the woman I was before him. But I can't be the person I was when I was with him either. I'm left in an emotional labyrinth – the way behind me is destroyed and the way in front of me is unclear. How do you reconstruct a heart, a soul, a life? =/\= Location: USS MCINNIS Scene: Bridge -> CO Ready Room Katlina Potter Gorman stood on the Bridge just outside the CO's Ready Room. One of the things about serving with Xana for so long was that she could tell what her friend's mood was based of little things. How many cookies there were in the jar, for instance. Or maybe from the thumps of the wall – an indication that Xana was throwing something in a fit of anger. Or like now when opera was playing so loud that it made the Englishwoman frown. Xana was fond of playing music – jazz for when she wanted to think, rock'n'roll for when she had work to do, and opera..well that was for when she was depressed. Kat was afraid she'd be hearing a lot of opera in the times to come, which was a shame because she couldn't stand the stuff. Walking in once the doors opened Kat looked around and propped herself up against a wall, watching Xana rearrange the furniture in her office. Sighing she called out, "Can we lower this?" "Computer lower recording to level 2," Xana called out. With a series of beeps the music died down until it was playing softly in the background. Looking over her shoulder she asked, "You needed something?" "Yeah," Kat nodded. "Which opera was that?" "La Boheme. You familiar with it?" Xana asked. "Is that the one where they all die in the end?" Kat asked. Xana gave a smile at that but the emotion never quite reached her violet eyes as she shook her head. "Kat, it's a Terran opera not a Klingon one." Shaking her head she went back to reorganizing her office, "What's up?" "I don't get it Bols," Kat said as she leaned against the wall. "I got that memo you sent out and I don't get it." Xana Bonviva sighed as she pushed her sofa up against a wall. "I don't know how else to say it," the Bolian/Human admitted. The Englishwoman exhaled at that. "It's not you, your writing is still coherent." "Good to know." "I mean Command, they're confusing the hell out of me," Kat replied folding her arms. The CO sighed and stepped back, trying to decide if she liked the current sofa arrangement. "People have requested transfers, or in some cases we have new recruits or Operations decides that some people would be better served on the MCINNIS than whatever ship they were on--" "I know that," Kat interrupted. "And then Command says 'We're so glad that people want to come to your ship but we can't let them on until your ship is ready' but then in the next memo they say 'We can't finish construction on the MCINNIS until you get enough people on board'." "What that's pretty clear," Xana replied. "Clear as fracking mud," Kat muttered. She perked up, "Nice answer – telling Starfleet that you completely understood their dilemma, were completely sympathetic, and therefore were expecting all the materials and people on the same day thereby to relieve their dilemma." There was a long pause as Xana looked out the window. "I do what I can," she said quietly. Kat, from the vantage of being behind Xana, screwed up her lips at that. Her old friend would have reveled in sticking it to Command, writing a memo that was wonderfully polite as she said "Screw you". But this Xana, she was still her friend...but the spark was gone. "So I saw the quote you picked out for the plaque," Kat continued on. Damn it, if she was going to leave her husband in the Gamma Quadrant for Bols then she had to push Bols to get better. Get out of her own head. "I liked it. Where did you get it from?" "A book that Gene liked," Xana replied as she suddenly decided to tackle putting up some curtains. Frowning as she struggled with the curtain rod she said, "I didn't want the typical bit about heroes and dying a glorious death." The XO decided to help her friend with the curtain rod, which was quickly going south. Jumping over the various furniture bits and bobs on the floor she met up with her friend and helped with the curtain. "Bols...I know how you feel about heroes," Kat said quietly. "But people might need to hear that. Especially with this ship...with our mission." Xana said nothing for a long time, just working on hanging up the curtain. Finally she looked at the work she and Kat did and said, "I know you're worried about me," she said softly. "But I can't seem to let go of the anger without becoming...well...either the anger stays or I die inside. And if the anger stays people won't like it." "Surely you feel something besides anger," Kat said quietly. This was Xana – of course she felt something (or a hundred somethings) now. Xana looked over at her friend. "Either I feel angry...or I feel like I'm dead. When Dahlia isn't around that's what I feel – one of those two." "And when Dahlia is around?" Kat whispered. =/\= From the journal of Xana Bonviva I have a baby girl. She'll be two years old next month. The love I feel for her is indescribable. Her joys are my greatest moments but when she's sad it's the lowest I ever feel. She cried terribly while watching the Svenson boys go. The next day she was looking around, under pillows and under the couch going "Dada?" as if he was a toy she lost. She's so young, she doesn't quite realize the magnitude of what she's lost. Someday, I know, she'll come to me with questions. And what do I say then? =/\= Scene: Bonviva Quarters The buzzer could not have rung at a worse moment. Xana was currently running after her daughter, nearly tripping over Angus who was cheerfully joining in the chase. After her nightly bath, Dahlia thought it was great fun to go tearing through the apartment naked as the day she was born. Angus thought it fun to bark and go running with the girl, which left Xana often running after Dahlia with a towel in her hands dripping wet from the bath. Scooping up her daughter into a big towel she called out, "Come on in." Looking at her daughter, who was near hysterical at this chase Xana plopped a big kiss on her forehead as she turned around. Being with Dahlia...well that was the only time Xana felt close to being whole again. Close but not quite. A tall brown-haired Bajoran man walked into the quarters with a lanky boy with him. "Commander Bonviva?" Xana looked up at the officer. He looked vaguely familiar but then again she had met quite a number of officers in her time. "May I help you, Lieutenant Commander...?" "Mendar," he said. Nodding crisply he said, "Lt. Cmdr. Mendar Talev reporting for duty." Xana thought back over the many files she read that day until one stuck out. "Yes, our new Chief Operations Officer," she nodded. "Yes ma'am," he nodded. The young boy rolled his eyes. "I've gone invisible, that's it," he muttered. "Justice," he warned under his breath. "At ease, both of you," Xana said. "Let me get Dahlia more presentable and I'll be right out." A few moments her daughter toddled out in her cartoon covered nightgown, Angus at her side, Xana finally made her way over to the Bajoran man who looked to be having a word with the boy. "Can I offer you anything?" "No, we're fine," Talev replied. "Can I play with your dog?" the boy blurted out. "Justice," Talev groaned. The boy, Justice, looked up at the man blankly before remembering something. "Please," the boy added belatedly. Before the COO could say anything Xana smiled. "Sure, Angus is very gentle, Justice," she said picking up on the boy's name. As he went scampering off she turned to the Bajoran. "Welcome aboard to the MCINNIS," she offered as her eyes went trailing off to follow her daughter. Thank the gods, Dahlia was just trying to follow Angus as he played with the boy. "Thank you," Talev replied. He hesitated, his hazel eyes on his rambunctious nephew who for now was acting (relatively) well behaved, before saying, "I've met you before ma'am, but I really came here because of your late husband." Xana kept her eyes on the kids but a shadow fell over her face. "I thought so. And yes, I figured you were here because of...Gene. I read your record – you served on the SUTTNER and EIDOLON with him." "Damn fine officer and Captain," Talev replied. "I thought the best way to honor him was to serve on his ship under his wife's command." He paused for a moment before saying, "I lost contact with him after the EIDOLON but I think Mac would have liked it." **No I'm sure Gene is happier being a dead hero,** she thought briefly and very bitterly. Well aware that she had to be a good CO more than a bitter angry widow she swallowed the lump in her throat and said, "That seems to be the general consensus. Well now, do you and Justice know where your quarters are?" =/\= Love. Poets write of it. Singers raise their voices to the heavens over it. Wars have been fought over it. And millions of tears have been shed over it. Love is nothing more than the prolonging of agony. It's nothing more than raising your dreams to an impossible level only to watch them smash at your feet. I spent a good chunk of my life perusing something that would only come within a breath of killing me. My body lives on but my soul is a wasteland of dried out hopes and wishes. What does that say about me? Not much. The only thing I can do now is live, a virulent consolation but it's all I have. I am nothing but an empty vessel drifting along until the inevitable destruction. I have two missions now – avenge Gene and raise Dahlia. Avenge Gene so that Dahlia doesn't have this ghost hanging over her – so that her life can be free from this pain and hurt. Raise her to be her own woman; a woman that will never seek validation from performing foolhardy actions but will find value in living a good life on her own terms and not dictated by ghosts and foolish fables of supposed grandiose acts of heroism. After that I'm done. =/\= NRPG: Well there you go – some insight into Xana's life now. Sheesh – send in the bios/descriptions of stuff as you have them. As Joy alluded to we'd like to test out how this unit will work before doing a JM w/the STONEHENGE regarding the Dominion war. But if you need something to do either let us know or just write your characters coming on board. Joy: Hope you liked. Kenneth: Recognize anyone? Shout if you need anything! :-) =/\= Sarah Albertini-Bond Lt. Phia CNS USS STONEHENGE and Commander Xana Bonviva CO USS MCINNIS (novella unit) We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. --Anais Nin From HyperNews_at_youth.net
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